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Grief

Children have experienced many different losses either through the divorce of their parents or the death of a parent. There is the loss of the family system, as they know it. In the case of divorce, one parent typically moves out of the house. The grief process is not a linear process and it can be triggered during the formation of a new family system. Grief in children and adolescents may look different from an adult’s grief. Consult with a professional if you notice a change in behavior.

Fear

Fear often accompanies loss. Children have already suffered a major loss - the loss of a parent, of family stability - over which they have had no control. Therefore, it is not surprising that they may fear losing the other parent or rejection from the stepparent.

Jealousy

Sometimes fear of losing a parent coincides with feelings of jealousy towards the new adult in their life. Now, they have to share their parent and their space, and it is not easy. In addition, the parent is now investing a lot of energy into a new relationship. The child feels this and may have a difficult time adjusting to it.

Guilt

Children have limited understanding, insight, and information as to why the divorce happened. Therefore, they often try to piece it together on their own regarding what they do understand. At this age, they are egocentric developmentally and they see the world as it relates to them. Commonly, children believe they are the reason parents’ divorced and will feel guilty.

In addition, if a child likes a new stepmother or stepfather, the child may experience guilt at feeling "disloyal" to an absent biological mother or father.

Messages to Pass on to the Children:

1. Adult Problems Are Not Your Fault.

It is important to let children know that the divorce is not their fault. It is important for the adults to keep the children out of the middle of their problems. Whatever issues one parent is having regarding the other parent should be dealt between adults and not in the company of the children. Disappointment, name calling, put downs or any other negative emotions regarding the other parent should not be passed on to the children.

2. It is Common for Children to Hope their Parents will get Back Together

Most kids do feel this way, maybe for a long time. They want their moms and dads to learn to love each other again. They want the world to be the way it was before their parents got divorced. This is not a rejection of the stepparent and it is not about the step-parent. It is important to be understanding of your child’s hope but also clear about the situation. If you are not clear about the situation be honest in a way your child will understand and be conscious regarding how much information you are sharing. Sometimes too much can be harmful.

3. Encourage Your Children to Talk About It

It is important for your child to believe they can talk about what is bothering them and that you can handle it. Be an active listener, respond with empathy and do your best not to be reactive. It is helpful to enlist the support of a counselor, pastor, or another supportive party that will not take sides and is just there to listen.

Beginning a new family often brings about many different and often conflicting emotions. This is normal and it is important to talk about it. Withholding or suppressing these normal emotions can lead to resentment, misunderstandings, and miscommunication. Whereas, talking openly is proactive and may lead to problem solving and cohesiveness. Again, seek the support you may need in order to keep the family growing and moving forward.

Christine Hurst’s passion is supporting parents, couples and families in their desire to have a successful partnership and family. She currently has a private practice offering counseling for children and adults, parent coaching, groups and classes. To find out more visit: www.christinehurst.org.

    The first time I heard this phrase my heart clenched. Then, I caught my eleven year old stepson’s eyes and saw the expression on his face. He had the look of “oh oh, what is she going to do?” My response startled him because I started laughing. It was either laugh or cry and it was through our laughter that we bonded over this undefined role that we have with each other.

My stepson is right I am not his mother. According to the Webster Dictionary the definition of stepparent is, “The spouse of your parent by a subsequent marriage.” Hmmm… that does not help me define my role as a stepmother. So, what is my role?

According to a study performed by Gross (1987) 58% of adolescents between the ages of 16-18 did not consider their residential stepparent as a parent. However, 41% of the adolescents did consider their stepparent as a parent. Why the difference? According to Heppner & Frazier (1992) who established the Parental Status Inventory found indicators that the younger the age of the child when the stepfamily was established the stronger the parental status is for the stepparent. Parental status also takes time to develop. Why is this information important?

It is important for the step-couple (stepparent and parent) to speak openly with each other about what the expectations are and to understand that the child’s developmental stage is an important factor in considering the stepparent/stepchild relationship.

In the beginning, the stepparent should not be the primary disciplinarian. The reason being that it takes time to build trust and a stepparent does not have the history with the child like the biological parent does. The primary responsibility of the stepparent in the beginning is to build and nourish the relationship(s) with the children while maintaining the established rules in the house but not making them. This is why it is very important for the step-couple to consistently be discussing house rules and expectations and for the stepparent to be open about what their bottom line is so that the bio-parent can set the tone and the stepparent help to enforce it. So, when does this dynamic shift?

Studies have shown that on average it takes a stepfamily 3 to 7 years before a stepfamily feels and acts like a family unit. As you can see it takes time! So, relax and be patient. In the mean time here are 10 Steps to Stepfamily Success:

1: Re-evaluate and Adjust Your Expectations
2: Take One Day at a Time
3: Be Sure to Play Together!
4: Focus on Your Relationship
5: Get Stepfamily Support and Join a Class or Group
6: Start Collecting Your Stepfamily Memories
7: Hold Family Meetings
8: Take Care of Yourself!
9: Be a Good Listener to Your Stepchild First
10: And Whatever You Do, Do Not Take It Personally!

By Christine Hurst, Licensed Counselor and Certified Coach for Parents & Stepparents.  Visit www.christinehurst.org for more information.

Developing a stepfamily takes a lot of time and energy that is unpredictable until the couple is in the midst of it. At times, it can feel almost impossible to establish a cohesive stepfamily in-between the back-and-forth visits of the children along with daily stresses of life.

Patricia Papernow, a family-life specialist, has identified stages of stepfamily development. These stages can be helpful for stepfamilies to understand that the struggles they are undergoing is part of the process and although at times it may be very difficult there can be a positive outcome.

Fantasy Stage

In the beginning, the newly wed couple may have expectations that the family will quickly unite and the children will adapt quickly. Biological parent may feel relieved that they now have a partner to help with the parenting responsibilities and the step-parent may hope they can rescue the children from any hurt that they underwent with the divorce. For the children, they often wish that the stepparent and stepsiblings would disappear. They may even still have fantasies that their biological mother and father will reunite.

Immersion Stage

When expectations are not met this can lead to frustration, loneliness, guilt, anger, grief, and more. The biological parent may become angry that they still have to do all of the parenting. The stepparent may feel jealous that they are not getting enough alone time with their spouse. The children may start to resent the stepparent for trying to replace their biological parent’s place.

Awareness Stage

The family members’ feelings of hurt, loss and each member’s differing needs must come to light. It can be very difficult to talk about negative feelings and that is why children and teens may begin to act out. For example, the children may begin acting out at school or the teen may avoid being home. The parent and step-parent may begin to argue more and the marriage may become strained. If stepfamilies cannot speak to what is bothering them they may become stuck.

Mobilization Stage

However, if they can begin to speak to what is bothering them they will move into the mobilization stage. This is the beginning to understanding each member’s needs.

Then the family can begin to problem solve. It is important to understand each other’s needs and to create solutions that work for everyone.

Action Stage

Now that the struggles are out in the open the couple can being to find solutions and create new rituals. The couple will begin to create schedules and implement bonding time that will help to address the children’s needs.

Resolution Stage

This is the stage where relationships potentially can become close. Rules and routines that once created misunderstandings are now normal aspects of this families everyday life. The old fantasies are let go and now members of this family are functioning with more realistic expectations.

However, it is important to remember that not all children will get close to their step-parents. In these situations what is important is that there is mutual respect and cooperation.

For some families this process can take less than 4 years and for others it can take 7 or more. This is evidence that it takes time and if your family is struggling to not be discouraged. Here are some tips that may help when the going is rough:

• Do what you can to understand stepfamily functioning. Join support groups, read books, reach out to a counselor or parent coach who understands stepfamily dynamics. This will help you to let go of their fantasies and work toward realistic goals.

• Never talk negatively about absent parent in front of children. If a child feels his or her relationship with the absent parent is threatened, he or she may act out.

• Listen to children’s feelings and do not dismiss or minimize how they are feeling.

• To resolve conflicts, parents need to be united on a strategy and include the children on problem solving when it is appropriate.

by Christine Hurst, Licensed Therapist and ACPI Certified Coach for Parents & Stepparents.  Visit: www.christinehurst.org

As many stepfamilies know from experience, disciplining often is one of the most difficult challenges to work though. Establishing a common method for disciplining in stepfamilies is important for the couple to present as a united front to the children otherwise there may be loyalty conflicts or they will learn to take advantage of your disagreements in order to get their way. Effective discipline aims at teaching children and the motivation for disciplining should be because you care.

Effective disciplining starts with making sure you state your expectation clearly by a polite request. A polite request is politely asking your child to do what it is you expect and by when. For example, “Joey, from now on please put your dirty clothes in your hamper before you go to bed”. Sometimes parents make the mistake of asking and not setting a clear timeline for their expectation and then they get angry with their child for not doing what it is that they expect. For example, “Joey, will you please put your clothes in your hamper?”

It is common for your child to comply at first but then he or she may slip up. A gentle reminder at first is a good way to address this by saying: “Joey, I noticed you forgot to pick up your clothes last night. Please go and do it now.”

However, your child may begin to forget or ignore the agreement regularly, now it is time for a stronger message.

Now, it is time for what is called an “I” message. An “I” message allows the parent to address how the behavior makes them feel without blaming the child for their feelings. First the “I” message names the behavior or situation you want to change.

“I have a problem with you leaving your dirty clothes on your floor.”

Next, say how you feel about the situation and why.

“I am feeling frustrated because I have politely asked you to do this before you go to bed.”

Then end with what you want done.

“I want you to put your clothes in the hamper every night before you go to bed.”

Next, get an agreement by looking your child in the eye and ask, “Do you understand?” Do not leave until you get a “yes”.

Here is the final “I” message:

“Joey, I have a problem with you leaving your dirty clothes on your floor. I am feeling frustrated because I have politely asked you a few times to do this before you go to bed. I want you to put your clothes in the hamper every night before you go to bed. Do you understand and can I count on you to do this?”

If your child does not respond to the “I” message then it is important to give a short very firm reminder. “Joey, your clothes, now!”

However, sometimes children need a more concrete consequence in order to change behavior. Logical consequences are powerful techniques to teach children the consequence of their choice. Therefore, when Joey continues to go to bed without putting his clothes in the hamper, he is not able to do anything the next day until he has done so. When Joey wakes up and walks out of his room you calmly state, “Joey, you can come out of your room once your clothes are put in the hamper.”

In the beginning, it is important that it is the biological parent setting the expectation and following the process through. Once, there is a little more trust between the stepparent and stepchild then the stepparent can start to give the gentle reminders. Finally, once there is solid trust between the stepparent and stepchild the stepparent may follow through on the consequences.

By Christine Hurst, Licensed Counselor and Certified Coach for Parents & Stepparents.  Visit www.christinehurst.org for more information.

Stepparenting is often more challenging than anticipated going into the relationship. Studies have shown that it actually can take a stepfamily between 2-7 years before functioning as a family system. This can be disheartening to some but the important message here is not to despair because with time and awareness your stepfamily will get there. Here are some steps to take to help with the process.

1) Evaluate your expectations: Be aware of your expectations about your relationship with your stepchild and make sure they are realistic. Love takes time to grow. By behaving respectfully towards your stepchild and acknowledging your stepchild’s feelings, concerns, and desires often results in a stepparent being treated respectfully in return.

2) Enforce the house rules but do not make them: As a stepparent you should consider yourself an enforcer of the house rules: “This is the rule of the house. Homework is done before you can watch television.” When it comes to disciplining it should come from the biological parent or from both of you with the biological parent leading the way. The most important aspect to this is that you and your partner are working together as a team.

3) Clarify your role with your partner: Sometimes as a stepparent entering into the family we may disagree or see faults in the biological parent’s parenting style. It is important to have on-going conversations of listening and understanding each other’s perspectives. These discussions should be done in private and not in front of the children.

4) Develop relationships one-on-one: The bulk of the relationship building with your stepchild should be done one-on-one. Find creative ways to be alone with your stepchild such as picking her/him up from school or going for a walk or bike ride together.

5) Listen first: Joining or entering into a stepfamily there can be small or big differences in how things are done. Place your energy in understanding their perspective first before giving yours. Then choose which battles you want to fight. Is it really that important that the silverware be sorted out just so? If not, then let it go.

6) Respect that your child has two households: It is very important never to badmouth the other parent or the way the other parent does things in front of the children. Do not be afraid to admit that your household does things differently than the other household and both are okay.

7) Nurture your partnership: The couple relationship is the most fragile due to being the newest relationship in the stepfamily. Take a parenting class together for stepfamilies. This will help you develop your parenting plan and philosophy together.

8) Do not take it personally: It is important to remember that belonging to a stepfamily is awkward and confusing for all members and everyone copes differently. A lot emotionally is happening for everyone involved and it can be very difficult to sort through it all so be sure to seek help when needed.

By Christine Hurst, Licensed Counselor and Certified Coach for Parents & Stepparents.  Visit www.christinehurst.org for more information.